I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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