I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
