i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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