I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
