I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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