My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
