I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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