cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
