I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i permit you to call me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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