Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Bring me that man meat
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
