I met the friendliest cop last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
