They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
3 2 1 whiskey
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
