Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
