just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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