dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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