I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
