this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
