My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
