Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
