Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
