My balls are so social today.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
