When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
