Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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