Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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