life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My dick has a subreddit
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize