You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
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Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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