There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
