you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry about my life...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.