i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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