this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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