I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
