Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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