I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
