My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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