She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
