After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
