I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You work out of a Hotel?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
