When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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