Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
