im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
