Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
