This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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