I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
