I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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