It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
