i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
