i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
