I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
