i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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