so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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