I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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