I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I died a long time ago.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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