Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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