i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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