i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
