You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
