i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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