Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
