Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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