Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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