This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
