chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
