yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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