Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
