3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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