I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need to calm my uterus...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
