I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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